The Communist Party representative explained that government ownership of the auto and financial industries, redistribution of wealth, and free rationed healthcare have always been among the glorious CPUSA objectives: "We held on to these goals through all the difficult years of factional infighting, purges, denunciations, and heroic espionage on behalf of the Soviet intelligence services."This may seem like a foreign idea to you, but we sacrificed everything for it - our friends, our neighbors, and our nation. We suffered from all kinds of ulcers and split personality disorders by blindly following Stalin's directives. We risked our chances of promotion within US government agencies by dutifully advancing Soviet foreign policy. And for what? So that some spoiled Democrats could ride on our backs to power while throwing us crumbs in the form of minor cabinet appointments?
"It's just like taking someone else's hard-earned income and redistributing it! ... Never mind, bad example... It's like infiltrating a respectable organization and taking over its management while engaging in subversive propaganda and the rewriting of history... Whoops, bad example again... It's like being devoid of moral standards and rejecting all the norms and values of Judeo-Christian civilization... No, that was totally inappropriate. Scratch that...
"It's time we got our fair share of credit from the current administration. As a gesture of good will, we would be pleased to accept the credit in the form of stimulus checks, subsidies, and loan guarantees for our members. If not now, when?"
CPUSA lawyers presented documents to the press showing that the Democratic platform of 2010, almost-line-for-line, reiterates the CPUSA platform of 1963. As the lead attorney for the plaintiffs pointed out, even a casual reading shows that while the rhetoric occasionally varies, the underlying policies are nearly identical.
"If the public knew that all the Democrat ideas are ours, we'd have more high-paying jobs in the Obama administration," remarked the CPUSA spokesperson. "While all our members can't be czars, we should at least get royalties. We can't survive on government handouts alone, not yet anyway."
This announcement seems to overturn past communist policy favoring the liquidation of czars and royalty.
The Democratic National Committee has declined to issue an official comment on the lawsuit, but a high-ranking White House official stated privately that this development is the result of an historically inevitable "convergence of opposites" - a philosophical concept outlined by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels - whereby the American public catches up with the glorious promise of communism, while the CPUSA becomes so American that it becomes embroiled in litigation. "Don't quote me on this," he added, "but Barack and I believe we can easily reconcile whatever minor differences we have with the CPUSA, and work together to prepare Americans for the final march, in well-organized and neat columns, towards our radiant progressive future."